|
Kotor, Montenegro Meandering along the coastline, I was breathtaken by the stunning landscape I was surrounded by; the Gulf of Kotor to my left, with huge cliffs towering above it and houses lining the roadside, the water, and the occasional beach. It was early March, and there was plenty of space as there weren’t many tourists. I was able to park in a spot with water on both sides, so at night, I left all of the curtains open. I had a full view of the light dancing on the water. The first night that this happened I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was and had a sense of being exactly where I was meant to be, doing exactly what I should be doing, while looking at this enchanting vision. I found my eyes moving left–right as I took it all in, watching the lights moving on the water. The slight movement was the only way I could define which was land and which was reflection. Then I realised that the window of the van framing this scene was encouraging the bilateral eye movements, because it would otherwise be such a wide landscape that my eyes would have been scanning all around, taking in the full panoramic. Here the vision was limited to the rectangle, so my eyes naturally glid left, right, left. From my experience as an EMDR consultant and practitioner, I know this encourages the left and right sides of the brain to connect and speed up processing time, hence promoting natural healing; so I just let myself live it. The next day I enjoyed the sunshine and a coffee, writing and thinking about all of this, and then further along the coastline, swimming a little before settling down for another night. This time I felt slightly uneasy because there were houses near me and I parked with the back of the van facing the lights because it allowed more space for cars to pass in this slightly busier area (about one car an hour going by). Looking out the back windows enjoying these lights—but this time more deliberately due to the slight sense of unease—I let myself focus on this mesmerising image of tranquility, until, when I looked further around to the right I saw a huge heart of light! I couldn’t quite believe my eyes, which stared, stared, and stared while I suddenly felt so relaxed and fulfilled. I wanted to get my camera and take a photo, but I couldn’t think where they were, so I picked up my phone, but it was out of battery. I just couldn’t bring myself to move, so I watched that heart of light until I fell asleep. In the morning again, I must get my camera, I need to take a photo of this—but I was too sleepy to move, watching this vision, I saw the lights fade and rock appear on the water. The reflection of this enormous grey rock… as my eyes moved up, I saw the cliffside with the lights embedded in it, gradually switching off as night turned to day. No question—I needed to visit this place; so I went around the bay and found myself in Kotor. It was quite exciting to be surrounded by shops, cafes, restaurants, and other people. The lights were placed along the path of the fortress. Kotor views, Montenegro Of course, I walked the route with Toby, my dog, stopping occasionally in the shade until I sat by an oak tree and gave some attention to the relationship I had with rock climbing. I’d become afraid of falling to the point that I really could no longer climb, and over the last few weeks, I’d accepted that maybe I don’t climb anymore. This was quite a big deal for me as I’d invested a lot in getting to the point that I was qualified to teach and had brought climbing to many psychological therapy clients as part of their treatment—with great success. I also enjoy it and have gone to some beautiful places and met some wonderful people because of the sport. Sitting, with bees buzzing around a lavender plant in front of me, I thought, maybe I can use this for one of my videos that people can use for therapeutic benefit. I started videoing the lavender and the bees, then wondering what exercise might go with it—perhaps Loving Eyes by Jim Knipe. I decided to try it on myself and sat there thinking, OK, what age is the earliest wound related to climbing and fear of falling? Where’s the youngest hurt? I was very surprised to find that the age of three is where the roots of this fear were embedded. Three!? Beneath the later decades of falls, bumps, and climbing shocks, there was a clear memory from a time when I was playing with the neighbour’s daughter, who was trying to push me down the stairs. She was older than me and bigger. My body was dangling down the staircase and my fingers were locked around the metal piece (stair nosing) that sits at the edge of the carpet to prevent people from tripping and falling. This was the only thing preventing me from falling—my tiny fingers gripping it—as Zena (real name) peeled them off one by one. I had a strong fear fill my entire body, a dread turning to panic -I’m gonna go. I’m going to fall and I might die! I remembered then falling, but not what happened next. I realised this was a perfect Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) target, so I ran through the protocol (case conceptualisation): Negative cognition: I’m going to die. Subjective Units of Disturbance (SUDS): 8 out of 10 bad. Adaptive cognition: I’m okay—2 out of 7 true. I then noticed the feelings in my body and tapped my shoulders alternately in a ‘butterfly hug’, being mindful of the free association taking place. Occasionally I stopped to take a breath and notice what I’d noticed, before continuing. So many connections were made; other related incidents came up, along with memories of climbing with excellent climbing partners—we support each other. At one point, a couple walked past me and looked through a gap in the fortress wall, discussing the absence of any health and safety information. The woman said, “Well, I guess it’s clear—if you fall off here, you’re an idiot, right?” It was a helpful organic interweave, as I recognised climbing can be dangerous, and falling can be—accidents can happen. I’d been stuck at one out of ten in terms of the disturbance the memory still held, and I asked myself, What keeps it at a one, preventing it from becoming a zero? I decided there is always an element of danger, and I was happy with one out of ten for fear of falling. I continued to process this. The positive cognition changed (I’m not sharing that one) and then strengthened to seven out of seven. I processed the remaining feelings of discomfort in my body and noticed a feeling of lightness, which connected to the word 'fresh', so I embedded that with slow taps. Then I realised I could use the landscape in front of me for slow eye movements. I had been using some left–right movement from the mountains on the left to the mountains on the right; but now I did a figure of eight, embedding this feeling fresh. Slowly using this figure of eight to move my eyes across the mountains, down to the water, up across the mountains, down to the water—I strengthened and embedded that feeling, then brought myself back to the present, excited about the idea of climbing, and that maybe I won’t have this awful feeling when I think I’m going to fall—this dread that takes hold of me, causing me to freeze. Having processed the early wound, I was looking forward to trying it out and put a message on a travelling climber webpage asking if anyone wanted to deep water solo (DWS) in Croatia. That’s where you climb above the water without ropes, falling into the sea if you can’t do it, which seemed like a good solution. It was chilly and rained all week, so I continued North, my slow travel route home, and wrote this alongside the turquoise River Soča, having made a couple of friends who answered my call-out. We met in western Slovenia, climbing beautiful limestone for a few days. The fear was still there, and I lacked strength due to being out of practice, but I could work with it—using the words from Kotor to bring back a sense of safety and wellbeing and trusting my climbing partner, having moments of joy where I remembered what it was like to actually climb without fear—and some progress. My level was low, but I was climbing again, enjoying it, and now in wonderful landscapes with great people as a result. The crippling fear was gone, and the nerves I had remaining were workable. Following my first meeting with the lights on the water at Kotor, I went back to photograph and take some video. It’s on an old second-hand iPhone, but I think I have material that can be used in EMDR itself, and I have a proposal for an exhibition to share this material as well. When the time for that is right, there will be a link on my blog: Lee-Simmons.blog Photos from Racheal Brock, of Brendan Balderson belaying Lee Simmons on day three Racheal Brock with Toby Tiger, Brendan Balderson in South East Slovenia, and the River Soča Please be aware that it is not usual to do EMDR on oneself. The writer is an experienced EMDR therapist and consultant whom has held thousands of EMDR sessions with a wide range of people and was working with a light target, in a beautiful place, with a lot of resources.
If you do want to do something along these lines you could try the videos for self soothing www.youtube.com/@theadventurearttherapist , or book an EMDR therapist for EMDR itself. You can look for your national EMDR Association to find a properly trained therapist, eg. Accredited Therapists in the UK: map.emdrassociation.org.uk/ Comments are closed.
|
